Why I Am Depress

These blogs are true snippets of my life. I suffer with depression and anxiety so as part of my therapy I have decided to post blogs of event's in my life.

It hard to explain why I feel like this. I started to feel down when I got to secondary school so that would be eleven. I felt like an outcast at secondary school. I used to think was I the only one to feel like this. I suppose I was tired of being different to everyone else. I was a put into care as a baby and by the time I was four years of age I had already been in 4-5 foster homes. At four I had been in the same foster home for six weeks and started primary school. Primary school for me was not OK as I found it hard to mix with other children my age. I can recall one time at primary I really wanted to fit in. We where put into colour tables white, blue and green ect. Anyway that does not matter. On my table where the popular kids and one day they asked me to pick on another child on the table opposite ours. I did not feel comfortable doing this but I so wanted to fit in so I did what they told me to do. They told me to pull his hair and slap him. As I did this they were laughing. What felt like a life time was only a few short minutes. I sat back down at my table and felt really bad for what I just did. The next day my table wanted me to be mean to him again I refused so they moved me to the table where he sat. I apologized to him for what I did to him. As I sat with him the table behind us began to spit paper balls at us both.

Not long after I was born I was put into care due to neglect and sexual abuse. I was told that my mother was not feeding me properly. so this is why I went into care. however after reading my files from social services I found out about the abuse. It never went in to detail of who and how but after reading this I started to get flashbacks. I felt as if my real parents had let me down that they did not try to protect me as parents should.

When I left primary school and began secondary school I was happy to start a new school thinking I would leave the bulling back at primary how wrong was I after a week of being there it began to start again. No matter what lesson I had there would be a couple of boys who just took an instance dislike to me. It started with name calling which at first I just ignored them. After a few months of this day in day out it begins to where you down. I even dreaded to go to school. I used to take as long as possible to get to school. If I got there to early I used to go and sit in the school library till the registration bell went. 

After registration this is where I would dread going to my first lesson as I knew what was going to happen. On the way to lesson I knew I was going to bump into the bullies in the corridors. This is there perfect moment to either push me into the walls or doors or if I was really unlucky I would get a kick in the shins as they walked by. If I was really lucky it wouldn't happen till I got in class. This went on all the way through year seven. Year eight it would begin to ramp up another level.